10:13 am - I'm quietly watching Sportscenter as I enjoy Hostess Donettes (chocolate) and Nestea for breakfast. I'm sitting at my desk, in sweats and a t-shirt probably three sizes too small (shut up it makes me feel cool) also trying to keep up to date with Facebook when I hear the click of the door and the patter of swift feet. Before the front door even closes I'm met staring up at this half-albino, half-retarded, fully uncool "man" named Aaron, decked out in a Colorado Avalanche jersey (Finger #6, if you must know), which I later find out he never takes off, and that awesome hairstyle with the part down the middle, complete with too much hair gel and all... yes I used to rock that way back in middle school... scratch that, elementary school.
10:14 am - As I try to swallow my Donette I can't help but think, "Why God did you give me this roommate, of all people in the world, you choose him?" So after nearly choking on my delicious Donette I continue to nod my head as this Aaron human talks in this really slow voice (I'd swear he was high if I hadn't remembered, "Oh yeah fuck, this kid has never even had a girlfriend before") And then like a statement from G-O-Dizzle himself, it dawned on me... I'm gonna show this kid how to live... It actually wasn't that fast but for your sake I left out the detail.
For the next eight minutes or so, I nicely make conversation as Aaron keeps talking and starts touching my shit...
Maybe my description of him wasn't clear enough, I'm gonna say 5'10'', 145lbs, white hair (yeah, fuckin' white), $20 white reebok's (the old uncool ones), light blue jeans (no sag at all) and one way too big Av's jersey. Let's get back to the story...
HE'S TOUCHING MY SHIT! Why on Earth is this strange being touching my stuff; fondling my iPhone, checking out my video games, evaluating the comfiness of my bed.
Why does he need to find out how comfy my bed is? He isn't going to be sleeping on it! Only I get to touch my bed... and the select few of the opposite sex. He just assured me that he will never touch my bed again by doing that because I will be locking my door at every chance I get.
Back to the story...
If it wasn't for the fact that he was 4 minutes new to me and that he could be eating my gummy bears at any time, I would have killed this kid. I HATE it when people touch my crap and I hardly even know them.
By now it's pretty obvious that Aaron (I still have to find out this last name, stay tuned) is very troubled, here is the down low, some of which is fact and some of it is my opinion, which will only soon be turned to fact... Aaron, 20 years old, never takes off his Av's jersey, never had a girlfriend, has never had a an alcoholic treat, has never smoked weed, has never used a tobacco product, has never done the dirty... I can only hope he knows how to masturbate.
It has now been about an hour and a half since Aaron left to go get his stuff and I have come to this ultimatum... I'm going to corrupt this poor boy.
By the end of the year, Aaron is going to have taken off his Av's jersey, not only gotten a girlfriend but put his P in a V (maybe, that one is always tough), gotten so drunk he got an MIP (haha just kidding, I'm not that mean... but he is getting fucked up), been sooooo high he claims to have been the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll, and he will be a frequent tobacco user (chew of course, smoking is nasty crap)... (Some of you might wonder what happens to masturbation... Fuck that and fuck you if you think I'm gonna help him pleasure himself... but I will show him the beauty of my closest friends, the girls that live together, and by that I mean porn... wait for it... ography.)
So I hope you have enjoyed that, this mon amigos is going to be sweet...
P.S. You better have read this and enjoyed it because I skipped my Humanities class for the third straight time to write this.
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