Triple A

What is up people?  I guess I get to start by welcoming you to the New Year or what I will start to call “Take what’s mine in 2009.”  It has been far too long indeed and I have three things I will address in what I just made up, AAA.  There is one thing that is on everyone’s mind and yes, I will briefly address it while trying to make it funny, but no guarantees.  Without further ado, the three A’s of tonight’s blogging mindfuck are; Arkansas, Ass kickin’, and Aaron (yes, I still hate the fucker).

            As most of you already know, yes I was in Arkansas and no I will not share the details, this blog is a family place.  You never know if my grandchildren will use their mind controlled super computers to browse the Interweb (that’s what it will be called then, just watch) and look to see if their super cool G-Pa wrote dirty blogs. No dammit! I won’t let that happen.  Anyways, the highlights… OMG! The hand dryers in the restrooms at the airport made me want to revert to my golf ball stealing days of old, only I don’t even know where to begin to steal a hand dryer and the sheer size of it and loose wiring could make me look suspicious in an airport environment.  Made by the vacuum company Dyson, these dryers didn’t suck (literally… in both meanings of it).  First you put your hands in it like you were getting a manicure or trying to act supergay!  They then made this high pitched whooshing sound and pumped out air at like Mach 12 until your hands went from saturated in moisture to pleasantly dryed.  It was definitely something that I look to put in my own bathroom, right next to the plasma tv that is in the floor, kinda like at Red Robin.  So fast forward roughly 12 hours and I’m sitting in some frat guys room, drunk as hell talking in a ridiculous southern accent to “Sid” whose actual name was Seth but he had a mad accent so it sounded like Sid while my recently crowned girlfriend dances on a table with 3 guys I obviously don’t know (don’t worry we had a crazy telepathic moment in which she was like “Is that ok?” and I just nodded my head one time and went back to being temporary DJ).  The rest I don’t really remember.  Basically in summary the people were insanely nice, the girls visually pleasing, the buildings massive, the football stadium made me “jizz in my pants”, the food had a similar effect (3 words “chicken fried chicken”, it will be served at my wedding) and I also had an awesome time with someone particularly special…  You may wonder why the trip “highlights” consisted of hand dryers and my girlfriend dancing with other guys but like I said, the grandkids.

            Part duex of the AAA, or AA at this point.  In recent news, AA would also be two helpful initials for some people of interest.  Ass-kickin’.  Right, this weekend, a few good men (good movie) and I went to Apocalypse 2009 which was basically UFC, MMA crap.  And let me just say for the record, “that shit was TIGHT!”  Dudes (and chicks mind you) beating the crap out of each other with fists of fury is very entertaining.  If this sport is the future of America, watch out other countries… you’re fucked. 

But before I go into it, there was a Yu-Gi-Oh and World of Warcraft convention going on in the ballroom next door.  I didn’t know these things even existed and when I saw a good hundred gathered playing I couldn’t help but poke around.  It was actually really hard just to not laugh at everyone you saw there.  I felt like an asshole even taking pictures of the whole spectacle but then I remembered.  I’m wayyyy cooler than these kids and all was forgotten.  The quote of the night?  After laying down some really good card, like a Lvl. 60 dwarf or triple damage lightning bolt, goofy kid says to his opponent in complete trash talking fashion, “What will I summon next?!”  It was like watching Steve Urkel talk trash to Screech.  Just very sad…

Anyways, this promotion was complete with its shitty sound system, ring girls (who obviously don’t know what a Stairmaster is) and a ring announcer guy who had a voice so deep he should be doing movie previews.  Two highlights here too, the first was when one old dude got hit in the head so hard by some young dude that his body went limp and he crashed to the mat like a tree falling in a forest.  Oh, he then got up 10 seconds later like nothing happened, poor guy.  The other highlight (besides the main event) was the chick fight which pitted a tall girl probably with a high school basketball career and lots of friends vs. some hoodlum bitch straight outta juvie (like seriously, I’m surprised her entrance didn’t consist of prison guards, an orange jumpsuit, and ankle shackles).  Initially you’re first thought is WTF?!  I can picture it now…

 

AT THE FIGHT SET-UP MEETING MONTHS EARLIER…

Head Dude – Okay chick fight.  Any ideas?

Dude 1 – I got some tall newcomer chick, pretty face.

Dude 2 – I got a real hardass bitch, teeth like a homeless person and hair like Weird Al.

Drunk Dude named Jack – SET THAT SHIT UP!

Head Dude – Alright, let’s go with Jack for once.

 

NO! Do not listen to Jack for once.  Jack’s a drunk.  He is a failure.  How he keeps his job is beyond us all.  You can probably guess how it ended up.  Juvie bitch made basketball chick her human punching bag for 15 minutes and when it was all said and done basketball chick looks like she got clubbed in the face with a shovel.  Yeah America eats the shit up for some reason.

            Finally the last A, the main event.  Aaron.  Things just get worse as the days tick by.  He still doesn’t understand the concept of a clean dish.  Apparently where he comes from his momma does all the dishes.  I only recently brought up this problem with him.  I tried to be subtle at first and just not do dishes to see if he’d actually do them but I found myself eating cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork so I gave in.  He also doesn’t take the trash out either.  Apparently his momma does all that shit too.  I finally told him to start taking out the trash when I brought up the point that my girlfriend who lives 856 miles away has taken out the trash more than he has.  She only did it once.  Oh and apparently he is still oblivious to the fact that I think the world would be a better place without people like him because he said and I quote “We should live together next year.  We get along really well.”  It might be worth mentioning that I was doing dishes when he said those words.  Needless to say, I replied with a smile plastered on my face for effect “No I’m gonna live somewhere else next year.”  Now he talks to me even less cause his whole world came crashing down once he realized his roommate doesn’t really like him.  Really?  You don’t say.  Who would of guessed?  I sure hope this roommate doesn’t have a blog dedicated to reducing him to belly button lint.

 

Alright my peeps.  Good times.  I’ll try and do these more often.  See you in the promised land!