It's Coming!

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Aaron and his beloved HBO

Oh yes, my dear bloggies, the time has come.  Sorry for the delay but Aaron has simply been relatively normal and I have been up to nothing interesting.  But now I will present you with a gift that I too have been given.  Passed on from father to son for generations.  

That gift, mon amigos, is called porn -wait for it- ography, pornography. 

And not only that, Aaron has been dealt his first card in the Operation: Corruption of New Roommate.  If you go back, you will see that one of the important steps in this operation is introducing Aaron to the wonders of the internet, and now, Aaron has been caught in-her-net (haha I'm hilarious).  And that beautiful woman, well she has many different names.  Come along and you will see how this unfolded.

9:57 pm *local time*... I'm eating my Breyer's Snickers Ice Cream and watching CSI: Miami, with my door closed (key point).  After CSI is over and David Caruso gets off my damn TV, I go outside where I thought Aaron was playing NHL '09.  Only to my sweet surprise, Aaron is watching HBO 2 and the episode of choice... Real Sex 32: Some Like It Hot.  

YES!  I caught Aaron, redhanded (and redfaced) watching porn and boy was it awkward.  I could here the grunts and squeals as soon as my door opened and Aaron evidently was in a trance. I walk in and as soon as he realizes I'm in the room, QUICKLY (and I mean quickly, he should consider track) changes the channel.  His face turns a bright, stoplight red. The exact red your face turns after you have been caught jerking it.

(now I didn't actually catch him in the act, thank god, but I can only assume that the next ten minutes would have gone something like; TV? off, Xbox? off, shower? on, lotion? check, toilet paper? check, lock door? click, Mat's writing about me in his blog? CHECK!)... 

And now is a rare window into my awesome life...

This past Saturday, roughly 12:30 IN THE MORNING *local time* (so early Sunday), I'm all alone and enjoying me some girls that live together.  (I know what your thinking "Eww, gross".  Uh uh, not gross, "masturbation," as the term is frequently coined, is scientifically proven to better your health, look it up you supposedly sinless ass, like you've never done it)  All of a sudden I'm beginning to feel happier than normal and then... it happens...  THE FUCKING FIRE ALARM INTERRUPTS MY HAPPY TIME.  

So I rush to put some damn pants on, not even thinking about my hard-on poking around for air (God only gave us enough blood to run either your dick or your brain, but not both at once).  

So I run outside, 3/4 mast, without a belt, my ass sagging out and I have on my favorite Spencer's T-shirt "From Myspace... To Myplace" complete with stick figure diagrams.  I get to sit outside in the cold for 45 damn minutes while the fire department comes in and discovers *gasp* no fire? That is unheard of. A fire alarm going off and... there is no fire. That is just bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s (insert Gwen Stefani here).

Soon enough, it's 1:20 in the morning on Sunday... and time to resume happy time. (And yes, it was all still running, with the sounds and all coming out when I got back)

... Okay I hope you enjoyed that cause that was a rare moment into my life.  

Oh, so Aaron's face is beet red and I can't help but comment "Ah nice" as I see the boobies and ass fly around in 50 inches of hi-def, hot, sexual fury.  Aaron CHANGES the channel (the first sign in admitting guilt) and responds with "Haha... HBO makes me laugh."  I can't help but think why someone would laugh at porn, just laugh at anything "sex" for that matter.  

The only time you can laugh at something highly sexual is when your buddy rambles on and on about scoring last night... only to find out that "Alexa" was short for "Alexander".  

So I wash my bowl of delicious ice cream, which now rests comfortably in my belly, and begin to think "Mathew, the time has come."  I walk over, sit down next to him on the couch and say "Don't sink to the level of HBO to pleasure yourself... hold tight."  I go to my room, write down three VERY important websites (I won't name them, I don't do free advertising) on a sticky note and place it right in front of him.  Swear to Ghandi, I gave Aaron the "Holy Grail of Porn" and it was now his move.  I can only hope that this sticky note has, pardon the word use, become a little stickier.  

Summarily, Aaron set himself up for something sweeter than the most delicious candy money can buy.  I gave him the most important sticky note he has ever laid eyes upon and THAT, fellow bloggos, is the reason I will be sporting homemade earmuffs tonight in my sleep.

Until next time, this is your favorite blogger in the world.

Go Fuck Yourselves San Diego!

Procrastination

As told by my revealing title, I'm procrastinating via my awesome blog.  Sorry for the delay my dedicated readers, I was at a wedding all weekend and I have just recovered from sleep deprivation.  Not much has changed though, Aaron is still weirder than Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" minus the cattle gun and the awesome hair.  He also has a friend apparently, I don't remember his name because I really don't care and I'm bad with names but for the sake of the story let's call him "blah-blah."  This is how 5 awkward minutes with Aaron and his friend blah-blah went down...

Mathew is sitting at his computer pretending to do homework.

Enter Aaron complete with his Avs jersey and white hair, styled with the decade late part down the middle.

A- "Hi Mat, this is my friend blah-blah" points to a young bloke decked out in Chicago White Sox attire.

M - "What's up blah-blah, nice to meet you"

B - "You too"

M - to blah-blah "So you're a Sox fan blah-blah"

B - "Yeah, I'm like Aaron, but you'll always see me in this Sox jersey"

At this point in our encounter I already do not like this blah-blah.  If I were caught on a bus sitting next to this person, he would most likely annoy the crap out of me.  Plus, if you have one clothing item in your closet that is never switched out, you automatically have been reduced to sewage in my mind.  I no longer care to find out more about blah-blah but I still push on.

M - "So blah-blah, how do you know Aaron?" (note: I feel like an over-protective father who is meeting his really hot daughter's douche-bag boyfriend for the first time)

B - "Oh Aaron and I both work at the Independent" (The Independent is the CU student newspaper)

M - "Oh so you're a writer?"

B - "Yeah, I'm in the J-school" (aka journalism school)

Now I really don't like blah-blah for two reasons.

1) He is a writer.  Why a writer? Are you depressed? Are you gay? Writing is for squares, anyone who spends their time "writing" automatically loses cool points.  Unless of course you write about sports or entertainment, politics or "the news" is a no-no.(note: blogging is NOT writing)

2) He must think I'm mentally retarded.  You don't have to tell me you're in the "j-school."  I already assumed that considering you told me you work at the independent, an organization that hires only student journalists!

Our boring conversation continues for another 4 minutes and 30 seconds.  I will give blah-blah some credit though considering I was able to have an actual conversation with him and not have it feel like... time for a lengthy metaphor...

Conversing with Aaron is like trying to jerkoff when your penis is just not up for the task.  I go through all the effort, fighting and trying different approaches, but in the end I just walk away pissed off and yelling.

... when blah-blah decides to leave, an awkward moment happens.  I learn that blah-blah lives in an apartment in the other building, probably 100 feet away.  As he leaves, Aaron leaves too saying quote, "I'll be back soon, I'm gonna take blah-blah back to his place."  WTF! What are you his boyfriend, why does he need an escort to his room? Maybe Aaron is trying to get lucky tonight, or at the very least get a kiss after an awkward moment when blah-blah fumbles for his room key before he FINALLY gets the door open and they instead say nothing to each other before parting ways to retire for the evening.  I'd rather not know what really happened but if Aaron really is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) or "I'm just a little bi-curious," Operation: Corruption of New Roommate has come across a serious roadblock.  I don't do... let's just say I'm not full mast when I'm showering in the locker room, if you catch my drift.

Well I guess I'm gonna call it a day for now, to go do homework of course.

This is Matty Willis, out!

 

Step Uno

I have had some time to ponder it, and I think I have just come upon what may be step one of Operation: Corruption of New Roommate.  Let me humor you... 

Aaron likes hockey, a lot, if you don't know this by know then perhaps you should read the entirety of what I call "My Blog."  Aaron is also very uncool, now I need a medium of which we can begin this transformation to cool.  Now, what do most, if not all, hockey players have in common? Yeah, that's right, they all chew.  Now since Aaron emulates hockey in most corners of his life I figured I could start to make an impression, this is how I envision it going down....

Aaron is sitting in the apartment, probably wearing an Av's jersey (let's say Hinote for the sake of the story) and playing video games, probably NHL 09.  This is where I make my grand entrance sporting a nice dingo planted in the lower region of my mouth.  I will then proceed to make sure Aaron notices my habit and begin to answer his approaching questions.

   A: "What is... is that chewing tobacco?"

   M: "Why yes it is, want one?" I then proceed to plant the chew tin right in his face.

   A: "No, I don't do that stuff."

   M: "Really? 'Cause you should, all hockey players do it (notice connection to characters close to him), and it's fucking cool."

Now Aaron will most likely continue to say "no" in a variety of ways but as the minutes become hours and hours become days, I will continue to sacrifice my dental health for the sake of the operation until finally one day, Aaron successfully completes step 1 of phase 1 of Operation: Corruption of New Roommate.

Note:  Ladies, I know you probably think my habit is gross but realize that I'm only doing this for the sake of the operation and for no other reason.  I do not at all enjoy shoving that long cut, spine-tingling minty concoction of fiberglass shards and others sweet pollutants into my lower lip.

UPDATE!!!

He's back!!!!

Yes, Aaron is back, with all his shit, and so are his Avalanche jerseys.  There are 5 total (Forsberg, Sakic, Hejduk, Finger, Hinote), that is more than enough to be worn over the course of the week.  I told you he wasn't going to take off the Av's jersey didn't I?  Anyways... he was a little more awkward this morning also.  For example, he took down my SI swimsuit calendar and then proceeded to go through every picture, making comments about every model and her "beauty."  Don't get me wrong they are all frickin' hot but shit, don't tell me that, I don't need to know that, why do you think they are on my wall? I don't put up ugly chicks on my wall, I know they're hot and I personally don't think you are in a position to judge their "assets" (haha get it, ass-ets) considering your "white" gelled back hair looks like it is trying to escape your forehead.  If your hair resents you, it's likely the ladies do to.

Ah, I almost forgot, my first column about relationships.  I'm feeling really lazy so I'll let YouTube and NPH from "How I Met Your Mother" explain this one.  It is so accurate that I have decided to make it my own.  That's right, I just called dibs on this one.  Enjoy!

Random Thoughts

So tonight I was able to finish all of my homework before 9, visit every website I could care for by 10 and still find time to squeeze in some awesome Planet Earth action before 11.  This, ladies and gents, is what I call a good night, because seriously, who doesn't want to see a great white shark leap out of the water with a damn seal snatched in it's mouth.  As I watched in awe, for probably the 20th time, and shove pretzels down my throat, I began to think to myself, "I wanna do that!"  Sure, it may be impossible to literally fly my whole body out of the water, sans a missile, but still who doesn't want to do that?

Some of you are probably wondering, "Why is he telling such random thoughts?"  Well, if you must know...

   1) Aaron, the creepy, weird roommate is M.I.A.  Seriously, he was here Monday morning like I told you but since then he hasn't shown up.  I'm wondering if he found my blog and read about it.  

If so, he is probably right outside my door, clutching a sawed-off shotgun muttering obscenities to himself, trying desperately to call off his attack as his two bi-polar sides wage a hardcore and Hi-Def brain wave battle royale. 

At least that's how I see it.   If you have a better idea, message me and it might make this blog.

   2) I have some nasty gas.  And due to the abundance of sulfur and lack of oxygen in the air, my brain is not operating at full speed.  

I was going to present to you all "theory 1" of my relationship column but that will have to wait another day.

Sorry if you were hoping for the latest news on Operation: Corruption of New Roommate but it's kinda hard to influence, let alone control, someone who isn't even here.  But here are some things to look forward to in the coming days...

1) Theory 1 of my relationships 101 column.

2) Sports advice and commentary.  I figured sine this is my only area of "expertise" I have to include some sort of sporting writing.

3) The world premiere (yeah, that's right) of the latest movie/music video from my production company, formally known as VandyWillis Productions (a new name is in the works since my associate has lost his groove).

You stay classy San Die-.... world?

Criticisms

Well, it's only been about 10 hours and I have already recieved a handful of criticisms from our beloved viewers. 

How do us readers know that you aren't just making this all up?

- Joy D., Austin, TX

Well Joy, why would I make something like this up? Do you think I'm some kind of loser who likes to make stuff up and blog about it?  Do you not trust me? Is this a personal attack Joy? Is that what this is?

I like your plan but it seems to have some very obvious flaws.  For instance, it's impossible to control the actions of others?

- Jamal Traverson, Tuscaloosa, AL

Thanks for the concerns Jamal, however your post has some very obvious flaws as well.  For instance, you are a giant bag of ass-syrup and I can control people, it's called communism bitch, suck on that one.

Hey Mat, love your blog. Want to go see a movie tomorrow?

- Marisa Miller, Boulder, CO

Set it up!  What movie?

Okay so I made up that last one, but my point is... don't fuckin' doubt or question me.  It will only hurt you in the end.  This shit is happening... stay tuned

New Roommate

Today not only celebrates the grand opening of this super awesome blog, it also marks the day i finally got a damn roommate.  His name is Aaron and he is the most un-uber dude EVER! You think I'm lying or just making fun or whatever, but this is the damn truth bitches.  This is how the first ten minutes or so of our encounter goes down.

10:13 am - I'm quietly watching Sportscenter as I enjoy Hostess Donettes (chocolate) and Nestea for breakfast.  I'm sitting at my desk, in sweats and a t-shirt probably three sizes too small (shut up it makes me feel cool) also trying to keep up to date with Facebook when I hear the click of the door and the patter of swift feet.  Before the front door even closes I'm met staring up at this half-albino, half-retarded, fully uncool "man" named Aaron, decked out in a Colorado Avalanche jersey (Finger #6, if you must know), which I later find out he never takes off, and that awesome hairstyle with the part down the middle, complete with too much hair gel and all... yes I used to rock that way back in middle school... scratch that, elementary school.

10:14 am - As I try to swallow my Donette I can't help but think, "Why God did you give me this roommate, of all people in the world, you choose him?"  So after nearly choking on my delicious Donette I continue to nod my head as this Aaron human talks in this really slow voice (I'd swear he was high if I hadn't remembered, "Oh yeah fuck, this kid has never even had a girlfriend before")  And then like a statement from G-O-Dizzle himself, it dawned on me... I'm gonna show this kid how to live... It actually wasn't that fast but for your sake I left out the detail.

For the next eight minutes or so, I nicely make conversation as Aaron keeps talking and starts touching my shit... 

Maybe my description of him wasn't clear enough, I'm gonna say 5'10'', 145lbs, white hair (yeah, fuckin' white), $20 white reebok's (the old uncool ones), light blue jeans (no sag at all) and one way too big Av's jersey.  Let's get back to the story... 

HE'S TOUCHING MY SHIT! Why on Earth is this strange being touching my stuff; fondling my iPhone, checking out my video games, evaluating the comfiness of my bed.

Why does he need to find out how comfy my bed is? He isn't going to be sleeping on it! Only I get to touch my bed... and the select few of the opposite sex.  He just assured me that he will never touch my bed again by doing that because I will be locking my door at every chance I get.

Back to the story...

If it wasn't for the fact that he was 4 minutes new to me and that he could be eating my gummy bears at any time, I would have killed this kid.  I HATE it when people touch my crap and I hardly even know them.  

By now it's pretty obvious that Aaron (I still have to find out this last name, stay tuned) is very troubled, here is the down low, some of which is fact and some of it is my opinion, which will only soon be turned to fact... Aaron, 20 years old, never takes off his Av's jersey, never had a girlfriend, has never had a an alcoholic treat, has never smoked weed, has never used a tobacco product, has never done the dirty... I can only hope he knows how to masturbate.

It has now been about an hour and a half since Aaron left to go get his stuff and I have come to this ultimatum... I'm going to corrupt this poor boy.  

By the end of the year, Aaron is going to have taken off his Av's jersey, not only gotten a girlfriend but put his P in a V (maybe, that one is always tough), gotten so drunk he got an MIP (haha just kidding, I'm not that mean... but he is getting fucked up), been sooooo high he claims to have been the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll, and he will be a frequent tobacco user (chew of course, smoking is nasty crap)...  (Some of you might wonder what happens to masturbation... Fuck that and fuck you if you think I'm gonna help him pleasure himself... but I will show him the beauty of my closest friends, the girls that live together, and by that I mean porn... wait for it... ography.)

So I hope you have enjoyed that, this mon amigos is going to be sweet...

P.S. You better have read this and enjoyed it because I skipped my Humanities class for the third straight time to write this.

Introduction

This being my first ever blogging experience, I feel obligated as to why I have decided to go down this road. 

1) Blogs are cool, Neil Patrick Harris has a blog, therefore they are awesome.  

2) I did not start this blog just because of NPH.  

3) This blog is going to show people how to live... or at least tell about them.

There you go, the short and sweet of it.  This intro thus commences this blog and its imminent take over of the cyber-world.

Thanks and happy reading,

Mat

P.S. "The Stalwart Buffalo" is also my fantasy team name, it stuck and it sounds awesome too.